Funny answering machine or voicemail messages to try.

Try a clever message for your phone. These are a hoot!

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
Talk to the phone, the face ain’t home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can’t come to the phone right now because he’s spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)

BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you’re on the air.

Hello, you’ve reached 555-1552, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.

Hello. I’m not at home right now because I’m out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don’t call you back, you’re probably one of those changes. (BEEP)

Hi, this is Ed. I’m secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger’s Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they’ll call you back when they’re nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an “I love Jim Shea” T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

Hi. Now you say something.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I don’t want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it’s a dream, or maybe it’s an illusion, or maybe YOU don’t really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it’s reality, I will call you back.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

I know you’re out there. I know that you’re afraid. You’re afraid of us. You’re afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I’m going to hang up this phone, and then I’m going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I’m going to show them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you’re on the air…

This is Fred. We are not… excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I’ll have to get back to you later.

This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.)

We’re not in cause we’re out LOOTING! Leave a message and we’ll call you back and tell you what we got.

We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

(Theme from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” in the background:) You’ve reached the residence of Jill and Tom. We can’t come to the phone right now, because we’re cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we’ll get back to you.

(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren’t here right now. They’ve been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.

(With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

Ha.

Blogging Tips 2009 from ReallyHotIdeas

I read about this today on ReallyHotIdeas.com blog. Great tips. I’m always on the hunt for savvy suggestions and wisdom. It’s relevant to what we do with blogging here and elsewhere. Personal blogs and commercial blogs can gain from these bits of know how. Hope this helps you too.

Monday, July 27, 2009
10 Blogging Tips for 2009
With all the new internet marketing methods available, blogging has become a little bit “old hat” in the eyes of many. I mean, it’s not sexy like Facebook; it’s not as easy as Twitter and it certainly is not as glamorous as having a MySpace page. In spite of all of this, blogging remains one of the most effective ways to brand your business online. Following are 10 reminders about blogging to keep in mind .

Blogging in 2009: Going Back to Basics

Blogging Tip #1: Post Regularly. Readers will be more likely to follow your blog if you have a regular posting schedule. Post weekly, post bi-monthly, post monthly — it doesn’t matter what it is (although it should be at least once a week in my opinion) — but stick to a schedule.

Blogging Tip #2: Use Plugins. Plugins like “relevant posts”, “most popular posts” and “recent posts” make your blog more sticky because they encourage readers to hang around longer. The longer a visitor is on your blog, the better chance you have of converting them into a customer. And that, remember, is the goal when you’re in business.

Blogging Tip #3: Post from Experience. I like first-hand information. In fact, many web surfers are looking for this type of info. It’s no coincidence that “how to” information is the number one selling product on the web. Most of it comes from first-hand information.
So use case studies, write in the first person (eg, use “I”), tell your readers how you solved a particular problem, etc. I sell a lot of ebooks by doing just this. It lets readers know that you know what you’re talking about; hence, you become an authority voice in your niche.

Blogging Tip #4: Niche It. Speaking of niche – clearly define who your audience is and speak to them – and only them – directly. You will get ancillary customers/clients/readers as a matter of course. BUT, you should always blog with your core audience in mind.

Blogging Tip #5: Comment on Other Popular Blogs in Your Niche. Make relevant posts on other authority blogs in your niche. The key word here is r-e-l-e-v-a-n-t.

Blogging Tip #6: Write Well. Make your post long, make it short, make it mid-length, but by all means, write well. This cannot be taken for granted. I don’t care how salient your post is, if it’s poorly written, you will not be taken seriously. In fact, you can even damage your online reputation. It’s probably no coincidence that the alphabet and sentence construction are among the first things we learn in school. It’s the foundation of communication — so don’t waste it; use it.

Blogging Tip #7: Market Your Blog. Don’t post it and forget it. This is your chance to use sexy marketing like social networking. Market your posts on Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, etc.
Remember, once you start with social networking though, you have to engage with those communities. So when you start to incorporate social networking into your blog marketing, do it with this in mind.

Blogging Tip #8: Use a Clean Design. A blog doesn’t have to have all the latest gadgets to be effective. A simple, clean design – with good content – will compete with the flashiest design every time. Simplicity rocks!

Blogging Tip #9: Personalize Your Blog. Inject some personality and let YOUR BRAND come through!

Blogging Tip #10: Don’t Give Up. Blogging is tedious, boring, monotonous and downright draining at times. Once you’ve blogged for a while, there will be days when you just want to chuck it in favor of something more exciting. But keep this in mind: in many cases success is not gained by the most talented, the most brilliant, or the most beautiful. All of these things help. But, success comes to those who simply “stick with it!”

Credit goes to: Yuwanda Black from Inkwell Editorial. She writes great stuff! 🙂

Until Next time – stay hot stay cool!
Christoffer Bjorklund